Archive for Crime News

Court Report from Gazette Crime Correspondent Twocking Gilbert!!


Twocking Gilbert

Regular Court Attendee and Gazette Crime Correspondent, Twocking Gilbert, reports from the Wednesday sitting of Lanner Magistrates Court.


Samuel Deadbert appeared before Lanner Magistrates on Wednesday charging with worrying a goat without a license.  Mr Simeon Puckface appearing for the prosecution said “that on the 17th of January this year the defendant was seen in the allotments adjacent to Skinners Bottom post office, wearing nothing but a pink posing pouch and a pair of crocks.  This reckless endangerment of public decency so sorely offended the the eyes of the local livestock that a nearby goat looked worried for nearly an hour after the incident”.  Appearing for the defence Mr Failedlocalauthoritysolicitor explained that at the time Mr Deadbert had been suffering from headaches due to the loss of his mothers slippers and could not be responsible for his actions.  Sentencing Deadbert to 17 weeks imprisonment and awarding the owner of the goat £500 compensation, Mr Torylandowner ,Chairman of the bench commented “You are the most dangerous of criminals, crocks should only ever worn by dentists and then only with those blue overall things”.


Trevelyan Von Belter appeared before Lanner Magistrates on Wednesday charged with reckless venting of a bodily fluid with intent to disturb the peace.  Appearing for the prosecution Mr Outrageouscluster said “On the 14th of Mach this Von Belter was seen outside the lingerie section of ladies outfitters in Praa Sands, looking like he was sucking a lemon, it was at this point that the fluid was believed to have been vented causing grievous outrage”.  Appearing for the defence, Mr Paul Ectoplasm said “this is clearly a case of mistaken identity as Mr Von Belter had been muck spreading on a farm near Penzance at the time”. Chairman of the Bench Mr Torylandowner found the defendant guilty, fining him six shillings. Commenting during sentencing Mr Torylandowner said “While the lacy underthings of ladies are to be admired there is no excuse for this kind of thing in a decent community”.

More crime news next time!!!!