Hello fellow believers it is I, Thomas Derek’s social and moral prophet for the age of religious enlightenment in West Cornwall. In this first of my regular columns to this newly revived rag let me comment on the biggest issue of the day namely foxes. Yes that’s right, for far too long now those mangey gits have been roaming the streets of our noble burghs stealing our money and taking our jobs. Why just last week I was in Penzance when I was mugged by a gang of Lithuanian foxes armed to the teeth with teeth, they threw me on the floor and mauled me until I handed over my copy of “Hymns and Psalms for dummies”. I understand that there are door to door fox gangs operating in the Gwavas area of Newlyn stealing peoples benefits and shitting on their lawns. So you know what enough is enough! I plan to arm every single person out there with a pack of wolf hounds and some heavy artillery. That will teach the bastards! And you know what it’s not just me that believes this its in the bible Hebediah 3v14 “Forgot not the foxes of the field for they be of Satan’s arse, take them hence from the village and set about them with all sorts of heavy clubs and the LORD shall bless you”. Screw the beatitudes and that being nice to poor people crap, this is real work of the lord. Peace out for now – Dezzer.
Archive for zippersimon
Regular Court Attendee and Gazette Crime Correspondent, Twocking Gilbert, reports from the Wednesday sitting of Lanner Magistrates Court.
WORRYING A GOAT WITHOUT A LICENSE.
Samuel Deadbert appeared before Lanner Magistrates on Wednesday charging with worrying a goat without a license. Mr Simeon Puckface appearing for the prosecution said “that on the 17th of January this year the defendant was seen in the allotments adjacent to Skinners Bottom post office, wearing nothing but a pink posing pouch and a pair of crocks. This reckless endangerment of public decency so sorely offended the the eyes of the local livestock that a nearby goat looked worried for nearly an hour after the incident”. Appearing for the defence Mr Failedlocalauthoritysolicitor explained that at the time Mr Deadbert had been suffering from headaches due to the loss of his mothers slippers and could not be responsible for his actions. Sentencing Deadbert to 17 weeks imprisonment and awarding the owner of the goat £500 compensation, Mr Torylandowner ,Chairman of the bench commented “You are the most dangerous of criminals, crocks should only ever worn by dentists and then only with those blue overall things”.
VENTING A BODILY FLUID WITH INTENT TO DISTURB THE PEACE.
Trevelyan Von Belter appeared before Lanner Magistrates on Wednesday charged with reckless venting of a bodily fluid with intent to disturb the peace. Appearing for the prosecution Mr Outrageouscluster said “On the 14th of Mach this Von Belter was seen outside the lingerie section of ladies outfitters in Praa Sands, looking like he was sucking a lemon, it was at this point that the fluid was believed to have been vented causing grievous outrage”. Appearing for the defence, Mr Paul Ectoplasm said “this is clearly a case of mistaken identity as Mr Von Belter had been muck spreading on a farm near Penzance at the time”. Chairman of the Bench Mr Torylandowner found the defendant guilty, fining him six shillings. Commenting during sentencing Mr Torylandowner said “While the lacy underthings of ladies are to be admired there is no excuse for this kind of thing in a decent community”.
More crime news next time!!!!
Scum bag Bailiff firms across the Duchy are rubbing their hands together with glee with the news that over a thousand Cornish residents have been handed liability orders for non payment of Council Tax. Among those receiving liability orders were a large number of those previously exempt from the charge, now forced to pay 1/4 of the cost. ”we bloody love debt and misery” said a knuckle dragging thug from Rosenflales Bailiffs Ltd “especially charging people £125 for pretending to knock on their door” he added, for some reason putting on a fake scouse accent. This bailiff bonus comes thanks to the combined psychopathy of the former members of Cornwall Council and of course the current government, who quite frankly would like see all poor people rounded up and placed in prison camps. ”Sod them they’re poor” added a Cornwall Council spokesman while tucking into a Council subsidised buffet.
A sizzling week lies ahead at the town’s premier arts and entertainment centre, The Conker. On Monday, at 8pm, John ‘The Plectrum’ Plectrum is returning to The Conker for the eighteenth time this year with his one man spectacular. John is well known in this neck of the woods for not being a singer, a songwriter or even a musician. Indeed, his vintage 12-string guitar, once played by Lead Belly, is only on stage with him to hold his £2 guitar pick with which he entertains, thrills, and bewilders the audience for up to three hours. You are advised to bring flasks of coffee and some fruit cake for the intervals which will occur whenever John, who is a martyr to narcolepsy, falls asleep. Flash photography is encouraged, and a retiring collection will be made in aid of The Plectrum’s retirement. Ticket on sale from the box office – admission £15.50 for adults, £22.50 for children, OAPs, and the disabled.
Wednesday sees the debut performance of Rivers of Blood, Streams of Discomfort; which will be, for one night only, performed by the playwright herself, Deirdre Clunt. The 2 hour play focuses on the themes of blame, hatred, gender inequality and menstruation, and will be performed in complete darkness, with appropriate odours sprayed into the air at key moments. Audience participation is required, and clothes are optional. This show is not recommended for people of a nervous disposition. Tickets: £1 per person. (Unless male, then tickets are £111.50).
Finally, on Friday the latest ‘big thing’ on the music scene, Violent Chang will be bringing their unique brand of electro-folk-funk-rock-techno-death metal to The Conker. While yet to chart, to release a single, or to be played on the radio, or to have actually performed together (or indeed met each other) the ten piece outfit are making waves in certain areas and at certain times, and this show is not to be missed. Except by me, as I have a prolapsed leg that needs some fairly urgent medical attention. Tickets available, blah, blah, blah…
Due to my ongoing mental issues, next week’s What Is On will be penned by my protégé Pamela Peter-Pairforth. Enjoy the entertainment!