Latest News From The Cornish Gazette!

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Andy Gorge MP’s Parliamentary Scratch.

Hello MP fans it’s me Andy Gorge.  First of all may I apologise for my lack of communication over the last twelve months, I am afraid the Parliamentary scratch had

Court Report from Gazette Crime Correspondent Twocking Gilbert!!

Regular Court Attendee and Gazette Crime Correspondent, Twocking Gilbert, reports from the Wednesday sitting of Lanner Magistrates Court. WORRYING A GOAT WITHOUT A LICENSE. Samuel Deadbert appeared before Lanner Magistrates

Dole Scrounger Bastards – From Right Wing Correspondent Quentin Butternickers.

Hideous deliverer of right wing spite, Quentin Butternickers, is back from the grave! NAZI GOLD. I’ve had just about enough of the bleeding hearts banging on about poverty, and how we

Bailiff Firms Cornish Boost.

Scum bag Bailiff firms across the Duchy are rubbing their hands together with glee with the news that over a thousand Cornish residents have been handed liability orders for non

Colin Bruwer’s Eugenics Weekly.

Gott in Himmel! It is I Gauleiter Colin Bruwer bringing you my exclusive guide to things I don’t like and I believe should be knocked over the head with a

Andy Gorge MP’s Parliamentary Scratch.

ME ME ME

ME ME ME

Hello MP fans it’s me Andy Gorge.  First of all may I apologise for my lack of communication over the last twelve months, I am afraid the Parliamentary scratch had to be put on the back burner due a major floppy hair incident.  Stupidly last summer my wife persuaded me to cut my hair short. Immediately I lost my magic MP powers and I was no longer to cure peoples problems instantly.  In fact, not even my stern letters were having any effect and I was largely being ignored by everyone. Thankfully my hair has returned to full length and like a political phoenix I have risen from the ashes to change the world again! You may have seen my comments recently about pay day loans and pay day lenders.  These companies are very naughty and are exploiting poor people which is bad. So yesterday I gave old Nick Clegg a ring and explained about this.  With a flick of my quiff I was able to send my magic MP powers down the telephone line, instantly Nick caved in.  Apparently they will be abolished by Tuesday thanks to yours truly. All I can say is that I am glad to be back in the mix, working miracles for you on an everyday basis and just like Superman at the end of Superman 2 I promise I will never sacrifice my super powers for a woman again.

Court Report from Gazette Crime Correspondent Twocking Gilbert!!

twokking

Twocking Gilbert

Regular Court Attendee and Gazette Crime Correspondent, Twocking Gilbert, reports from the Wednesday sitting of Lanner Magistrates Court.

WORRYING A GOAT WITHOUT A LICENSE.

Samuel Deadbert appeared before Lanner Magistrates on Wednesday charging with worrying a goat without a license.  Mr Simeon Puckface appearing for the prosecution said “that on the 17th of January this year the defendant was seen in the allotments adjacent to Skinners Bottom post office, wearing nothing but a pink posing pouch and a pair of crocks.  This reckless endangerment of public decency so sorely offended the the eyes of the local livestock that a nearby goat looked worried for nearly an hour after the incident”.  Appearing for the defence Mr Failedlocalauthoritysolicitor explained that at the time Mr Deadbert had been suffering from headaches due to the loss of his mothers slippers and could not be responsible for his actions.  Sentencing Deadbert to 17 weeks imprisonment and awarding the owner of the goat £500 compensation, Mr Torylandowner ,Chairman of the bench commented “You are the most dangerous of criminals, crocks should only ever worn by dentists and then only with those blue overall things”.

VENTING A BODILY FLUID WITH INTENT TO DISTURB THE PEACE.

Trevelyan Von Belter appeared before Lanner Magistrates on Wednesday charged with reckless venting of a bodily fluid with intent to disturb the peace.  Appearing for the prosecution Mr Outrageouscluster said “On the 14th of Mach this Von Belter was seen outside the lingerie section of ladies outfitters in Praa Sands, looking like he was sucking a lemon, it was at this point that the fluid was believed to have been vented causing grievous outrage”.  Appearing for the defence, Mr Paul Ectoplasm said “this is clearly a case of mistaken identity as Mr Von Belter had been muck spreading on a farm near Penzance at the time”. Chairman of the Bench Mr Torylandowner found the defendant guilty, fining him six shillings. Commenting during sentencing Mr Torylandowner said “While the lacy underthings of ladies are to be admired there is no excuse for this kind of thing in a decent community”.

More crime news next time!!!!

Dole Scrounger Bastards – From Right Wing Correspondent Quentin Butternickers.

quentinbutternickersHideous deliverer of right wing spite, Quentin Butternickers, is back from the grave!

NAZI GOLD.

I’ve had just about enough of the bleeding hearts banging on about poverty, and how we owe it to people to keep them in white lightning and old Holborn, while they breed like f**** cockroaches and sponge off my taxes.The fact that I’ve never paid taxes, and all my money is in offshore tax havens after inheriting it from Dadda, who grabbed some Nazi gold after WW2 is irrelevant,because the money I don’t keep in the country or spend in the local shops (preferring grey imports) adds value to this great nation of ours.

FECKLESS WORK SHY LAYABOUTS.

In fact it’s people like me who are keeping the economy afloat almost single handedly, because without us and the landed gentry, our great nation would be awash with council estates for feckless bastard scroungers.People like me contribute the square root of fuck all to this great nation, but by refusing to move forwards and being incredibly selfish we keep the Great in Great Britain, so that Japanese tourists can gawk at our mansions and gasp in awe at theregal splendour of Our Monarchy.

ROLL OUT THE BARREL.

Actually, it should be Great England, because the Jocks and Taffy’s have never done anything, except tie us down with their constant whining and invented a couple of marginally useful things, and don’t even start me off the Paddy’s because if it wasn’t for us, they would be living in peace and harmony, free of the yoke of imperial oppression, and what kind of world would that be!

STOCKING TOP FETISH.

That Cornish councillor chap had the right idea, but I’d take it further and sterilise the bastard dole scrounging scum who blight our Mighty England.Why should they get something for nothing when people like me don’t have to fight at all for free bus passes (not that I’d ever sit on a bus with those scum – we should have our own buses away from the oiks), free TV licenses and the winter fuel allowance that I use to keep my duck moat clean?

REAR ADMIRAL.

It beggars belief that these people feel entitled to our Great English Taxes, when many of them have contributed to the system all their working lives, which they think gives them the right to something for it! I don’t let land lie fallow to cream off huge EU subsidies so that work shy scum can “claim” what they think is theirs by right – the bastards. The only answer is back to the workhouse – get these miserable good for nothings off our streets, and make them do something to earn the crust they are so very generously given.

BLACK TREACLE SANDWICHES.

I understand that this Glorious Tory Government have done something like that already, but in my opinion they haven’t gone far enough – put them in workhouses,sterilise them, and keep a bonfire burning out the back so that when they drop dead from malnutrition we don’t need to spend our hard earned money on funerals for people that no one cares about.

Quentin Butternickers is also the Cornwall Councillor for Widebradge North

Bailiff Firms Cornish Boost.

fatcornwall

Cornwall Council Spokesman Pictured Here Not Giving a Shit.

Scum bag Bailiff firms across the Duchy are rubbing their hands together with glee with the news that over a thousand Cornish residents have been handed liability orders for non payment of Council Tax. Among those receiving liability orders were a large number of those previously exempt from the charge, now forced to pay 1/4 of the cost.  ”we bloody love debt and misery” said a knuckle dragging thug from Rosenflales Bailiffs Ltd “especially charging people £125 for pretending to knock on their door”  he added, for some reason putting on a fake scouse accent.  This bailiff bonus comes thanks to the combined psychopathy of the former members of Cornwall Council and of course the current government, who quite frankly would like see all poor people rounded up and placed in prison camps.  ”Sod them they’re poor” added a Cornwall Council spokesman while tucking into a Council subsidised buffet.

Colin Bruwer’s Eugenics Weekly.

nazi_colin_brewerGott in Himmel! It is I Gauleiter Colin Bruwer bringing you my exclusive guide to things I don’t like and I believe should be knocked over the head with a brick in a sock.  Last week I was walking down the road in Wadebridge when I saw a couple of Irish people, you could tell they were Irish because of their big noses and large foreheads. I can see no solution but quietly place these people in a box and put them under the bed, so that they slowly die, that’s what they used to do in the old days after all! I was speaking to a local farmer, Bogeyed McTosspot, the other day and he said to me that he 100% agrees with me and that on his farm when they find the Irish they tie them to the gate and beat them with iron rods until they are dead. Consider how much these people cost the tax-payer??! If you add up the money we have to fork out for shillelaghs and pints of Guinness you realise that the Irish are drain on the tax payers collective pocket.  For those of you that highlight the Irish that have contributed to society, I will remind you that for every James Joyce there is a Bono. So next time you see an Irishman with his cheeky “to be sures” and leprechauns think how much he is costing you. Put the lot of them down I say.

Not a fan of satire? Like a more traditional approach to campaigning? The real Colin is being encouraged to resign by this online petition.

WHAT IS ON? With Michael Smount

mmountA sizzling week lies ahead at the town’s premier arts and entertainment centre, The Conker. On Monday, at 8pm, John ‘The Plectrum’ Plectrum is returning to The Conker for the eighteenth time this year with his one man spectacular. John is well known in this neck of the woods for not being a singer, a songwriter or even a musician. Indeed, his vintage 12-string guitar, once played by Lead Belly, is only on stage with him to hold his £2 guitar pick with which he entertains, thrills, and bewilders the audience for up to three hours. You are advised to bring flasks of coffee and some fruit cake for the intervals which will occur whenever John, who is a martyr to narcolepsy, falls asleep. Flash photography is encouraged, and a retiring collection will be made in aid of The Plectrum’s retirement. Ticket on sale from the box office – admission £15.50 for adults, £22.50 for children, OAPs, and the disabled.
Wednesday sees the debut performance of Rivers of Blood, Streams of Discomfort; which will be, for one night only, performed by the playwright herself, Deirdre Clunt. The 2 hour play focuses on the themes of blame, hatred, gender inequality and menstruation, and will be performed in complete darkness, with appropriate odours sprayed into the air at key moments. Audience participation is required, and clothes are optional. This show is not recommended for people of a nervous disposition. Tickets: £1 per person. (Unless male, then tickets are £111.50).
Finally, on Friday the latest ‘big thing’ on the music scene, Violent Chang will be bringing their unique brand of electro-folk-funk-rock-techno-death metal to The Conker. While yet to chart, to release a single, or to be played on the radio, or to have actually performed together (or indeed met each other) the ten piece outfit are making waves in certain areas and at certain times, and this show is not to be missed. Except by me, as I have a prolapsed leg that needs some fairly urgent medical attention. Tickets available, blah, blah, blah…
Due to my ongoing mental issues, next week’s What Is On will be penned by my protégé Pamela Peter-Pairforth. Enjoy the entertainment!